No Darkness in the Shadows

If the recently released trailer for “Dark Shadows” is any indication of the overall film, Tim Burton has just driven a final nail into the lid of Dan Curtis’ coffin and made many die-hard fans of the original gothic soap opera want to be chained in theirs just to keep them away from the theatrical premiere.

Burton is either very clever and has used all of his tired and lame gags (normally needed in a film for comic relief after prolonged supsense) in the trailer in order to keep the film’s true gothic nature a surprise; or he’s sold his soul to the devil for the love of money, attempting to draw money from the "Dumb and Dumber" crowd into the Hollywood coffins - er - coffers.

The first 30 seconds of the trailer is actually quite good, with Johnny Depp, a.k.a, Barnabas Collins, reading from his journal about being cursed by the witch Angelique Bouchard.

CUT TO:
Ships on a foggy sea, or already in port at Collinsport, Maine. They have arrived from England with Joshua Collins, wife, and son Barnabas on board.

Alas, after the film's logo fades out we are introduced to a jazzed up, wanna be funny, twisted Burton abstract of what once was an entertaining and alluring story of a family followed by one seemingly supernatural tragedy after another.

Fans of the original "Dark Shadows" know that Barnabas Collins was a clever and tortured soul cursed by the witch Angelique to roam the night as a vampire for all eternity as revenge for his spurning of her love. It was not she who chained him in his coffin for nearly 200 years, but his father, Joshua Collins, because he couldn’t bring himself to kill his son with silver bullets. This running theme of Collinwood characters caring for each other, no matter what curse befell them, is part of what made the show so likeable.

Fans know that Barnabas Collins would never rip the back off a television set while screaming for a “tiny songstress” to come forth from her witchery, but would have asked someone how the image was made in the box. There were after all, paintings in the 1700s, and Barnabas was an educated man, so he wouldn’t be all that surprised to see a clearer image – possibly moving – in a box. Even if he did believe it to be an apparition of some kind, he would have suspected Angelique and confronted her, or even a ghost. He would never have gone into a slapstick routine that has been overplayed in too many films by traveler’s from the past struggling to get accustomed to a future time.

Fans also know that Angelique’s power came straight from the devil himself. She wasn’t a Disney witch, who needed to drop feathers into a bubbling cauldron to turn Barnabas into a creature of the night. She could do it with a mere incantation, an evil look, and just a hint of hell fire in her sparkling and beautiful eyes.

Parodies work for certain films, “The Brady Bunch” and “The Addams Family” for example, but those shows were already comedies on television. A parody of a show that was never played for comedy and whose fans are as loyal as "Star Trek” fans - following Dark Shadows Conventions and mingling with its former actors some forty years later - is somehow sacrilegious. The fun of the original soap wasn’t slapstick, low IQ gags, and one liners, but its over-the-top melodrama, forgotten lines, crew walking in front of a camera, and the actors who trooped onward when it happened on live TV. There were also cliffhangers at the end of each episode that made us want to tune in the next day to see what would happen next.

Burton's “Dark Shadows” appears at first glance to be just another Hollywood "re-imagining" with ridiculous looking cartoon characterizations and worn out gags that just aren't funny anymore. Depp looks like a "Twilight" vampire in goth wardrobe, which is a modern day Hollywood image. Let's not forget the over- played-to-ad-nauseam hissing of modern movie vampires rising on heels, arms outstretched from their coffins - as if magically by CGI. This doesn't seem like "Dark Shadows" and shouldn’t have been called that. It's more like "Hocus Pocus Meets Edward Scissorhands and the Three Stooges." It’s surprising Burton didn’t think to have Bette Midler play Angelique as Winifred Sanderson's twin sister. She would fit right in.

After years of anticipation, it appears “Dark Shadows” fans will not get to see their beloved characters roaming the dark shadows of Collinwood Manor on the big screen after all. It appears they won't be jumping in their seats when something unexpected lurks in the shadows, because there isn't anything in the shadows but frighteningly bad and overused one-liners.

I hope I’m wrong for the sake of "Dark Shadows" fans everywhere. I hope Burton is just playing a very clever hand and there are some real ghosts and things that go bump in the night in the darkness and shadows of this Collinwood.

The Truth About Breakfast Platters, Christy, and Kids on the Lawn

After ordering a breakfast platter at McDonalds I paid and at the next window they handed me a sack breakfast.

"I had a platter," I said nicely.

"Oh, you were the platter. Please pull up and we'll bring it right out to you."

I pulled up and waited. And waited. And waited. After 10 minutes and watching 4 other customers behind me leave with their breakfasts, I called McDonalds on my cell phone. (I must be getting old, because I am the easiest person to get along with and I never used to do things like this. I know what comes next. It's yelling at kids to get off your lawn even though you let them play there for years.)

"McDonalds, this is Christy," she drawled in a raspy, southern, I-smoke-10-packs-a-day voice.

"I'm ...still...waiting on my...breakfast platter," I said firmly, channeling William Shatner.

"I'm bringing it right out to you (rasp rasp)."

"You've served 4 other people that were behind me."

"We were waiting on your eggs (hack hack)."

At this point I figured NOBODY else that ordered after me had eggs with their breakfast, because if they had, they would have been on MY platter first. After all, people don't expect eggs for breakfast at McDonalds and I must have been the first to order them even though it was mid-morning.

Christy was trained in dealing with somewhat irate customers.

"Here you go, sweetheart. Have a nice day."

"Thank you," I said, pulling the tied plastic bag through the window and setting it on the seat beside me.

Arriving home I untied the top of the bag and opened the platter lid to find a robin's egg sized blob of yellow scramble next to some hot cakes, sausage, and a biscuit. One wonders if they didn't have the heat up high enough to cook the poor thing faster...

Warm Summer Days

I created the melody for this 3 years ago. Unlike most of the music I hear in my head which is pop and country and usually starts with lyrics, this one started with a melody and frankly it was to remain that because it's unique sound and upbeat style seemed impossible to match to lyrics.

Then, about 3 weeks ago as I was listening to the melody, the lyrics below started coming into my head. I've spent the last 3 weeks editing the melody to add a couple of bridges to handle the lyrics. The melody is in the video below.





Warm Summer Days
Music ©2008 Steve Anthony
Lyrics ©2011 Steve Anthony

[V1]
The sun comes up: the rain is gone.
Warm summer days; each other’s arms.
Our hearts beat out a symphony,
and our trembling souls,
get lost in you and me.
You whisper in my ear.
Your words are all I hear.

[Refrain]
Warm summer days that we spent by the shore;
warm summer days that made us want more;
warm sandy beaches beneath the sun’s gaze;
your love reminds me of warm summer days.

[V2]
Soft clouds roll by; high in the sky.
Warm summer days; just you and I.
A breeze blows gently through your hair,
and your sparkling eyes,
can lead me anywhere.
You take me by the hand.
We lay upon the sand.

[Refrain]

[Tag]
Warm summer days; each other’s arms.
Warm sandy beach; you and your charms.
Warm summer days beneath the sun's gaze,
your love reminds me of warm summer days.

Karma At The Movies

[It's true that what goes around comes around. A friend reviews my review of Ebert Presents at the Movies. The blog post title is mine but I promise I did not write what follows.]

Steve Anthony Presents Ebert Presents at the Movies
[Fridays; PBS. Check local listings.] A Review of a Television Review

It’s true; we can never go home again. But Steve Anthony manages to take us back in time to those days where there were only 3 channels to choose from and no one had heard of TIVO® or even a VCR! He presents a time when people actually went out to see movies regularly. Before pricing, television alternatives (Netflix® comes to mind) and busy lifestyles got in the way of a grand night out. At the movies.

I found his review of “Ebert Presents at the Movies” insightful, accurate, and complete. It certainly has this reviewer’s reviewer setting his DVR to make sure I don’t miss a minute! While there were some technical errors in grammatical structure with Steve’s review, and some word choice that seemed inappropriate for the intended audience (I don’t think the average person would use a word like “apropos” for example), his review took me across the years and back in time. Many people can remember and relate to “Sneak Previews”, and the path that Ebert and Siskel pioneered. I personally remembered how sad I was to learn of Gene Siskel’s passing.

Steve’s review is a discovery process. Complete in historical fact, engaging dialog, and intriguing comparisons. The new hosts seem very intelligent and informative, and I’m looking forward to continuing my movie discovery process with their reviews in the forefront of my mind. I enjoyed Steve’s review extremely, and would highly recommend any further reviews he chooses to publish as “required reading”. Steve did his homework well, and produced a review that was compelling, and will not soon be forgotten. Thank you, Steve. I cherish those memories. And look forward to evening adventures! At the movies.

Steve’s review earns 5 out of 5 Stars! ☼☼☼☼☼

Ebert Presents at the Movies [Fridays; PBS. Check local listings.]

A Television Review by Steve Anthony

It’s true we can never go home again: Home changes, the landscape around it is altered by the sands of time, and most importantly, the people that made it home - including ourselves - morph and mature, move away, or pass on. Every-now-and-then however, we can recapture the flavor of home and provide the mind with enough familiarity and memories to make it content. Such is the case with PBS’ “Ebert Presents at the Movies” that premiered January 21, 2011. It is only fitting that "At The Movies" returns home to PBS where it all started, and continues to provide us with not only an entertaining look at today’s movies, but opinions about them that are well rounded and informative.

For those familiar with the original, “Sneak Previews” that began in 1976 with Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel, and later became “Siskel and Ebert at the Movies,” it seems like old times as the new show opens with bright lights and music, combined with warmly reminiscent pictures of Roger and Gene in the balcony; cleverly snapped from an animated reel of film. When the end credits roll, a brief clip of them from 1975’s “Opening Soon at a Theater near You” which was locally aired in the Chicago area, leaves us wanting more and seems apropos as it wraps up a show presented by new and youthful hosts, Christy Lemire and Inatiy Vishnevetsky.

For variety, the show even ventures outside the balcony to hear from correspondents and a film technical expert. Even the master himself, Roger Ebert, makes a brief Hitchcockian appearance in his own show; content to leave the new hosts to their work as he introduces them and others involved with the new program.

Lemire and Vishnevetsky are apt hosts and fit nicely in the balcony setting as they, like their predecessors, narrate clips on the big screen before them, then discuss each film good-naturedly but not always agreeably. One might not take to such youthful hosts speaking to what is most likely a largely mature audience; however there is no mistaking their professionalism and ability to communicate the good and bad points about each film, and do so pleasantly.

Make no mistake; this is not some re-imagining, remake, sequel, or even a prequel that didn’t need to be made. “Ebert Presents at the Movies” is familiar yet fresh and it serves a purpose, particularly in today's economy where movie goers need the ability to spend their entertainment dollars wisely. There have been many movie review programs on television, including several incarnations with Ebert, but this program is a direct descendant of the real McCoy and rightly deserves to wear its name.

There are literally hundreds of channels and thousands of programs on television but few make us really not want to miss them each week. Television and movie fans ultimately make their own choices on what to watch on TV or what movies to see at the theater, but “Ebert Presents at the Movies” is well worth watching or at least a reminder on the cable box or DVR, and a weekly trip home to PBS before turning off the TV to go out to the movies.

Jonah Hex (2010) Movie Review

My review of "Jonah Hex."

Jonah Hex (2010)

There's an atmosphere and look to "Jonah Hex" that is far from the appearance of modern Hollywood fare. It took me a few minutes of its outdoor cinematography to realize that it looks almost like a 1960s Technicolor western with rich colors not often used today in films. Intentional or not, and I suspect it was, it's what makes this movie just different enough to be appealing. Add a scar-faced Clint Eastwood type anti-hero (Josh Brolin), with the ability to speak to the dead and the fighting skills and luck of Jim West from "The Wild Wild West," (the television series, not the abysmal big screen venture), and you have Jonah Hex.

Jonah was accused of betraying his regiment and killing the son of Quentin Turnbull, played with delightful villainy by John Malkovich. He is hung on a St. Peter's cross (X shaped) and forced to watch his family burn to death in their home by Turnbull. Turnbull then brands Jonah's face and leaves him hanging on the cross to suffer, until he is found and nursed back to health by Crow Indians. From his near death experience, he gains the ability to speak with the dead, and he uses it to hunt Turnbull for revenge. After believing Turnbull killed in a hotel fire, Jonah becomes a bounty hunter to work out his anger and hatred issues. He is eventually called upon by the President of the United States (Aidan Quinn), when danger and destruction from a super weapon threaten the country.

I find most films that don't look like every other film, or follow the same Hollywood formula, interesting. This one, based on a D.C. comic book, fills the bill perfectly. It is most likely the fact it was made from a comic book and not a video game that gives it a richer story, with better developed characters, than could possibly come from any video game gone rogue on the big screen.

I was pleasantly surprised to find the always underrated Aidan Quinn in the role of the President in "Jonah Hex." Though not on screen very long, Quinn, as usual, believes the role he is playing. Generally, if the actors believe in their characters, you can have a good movie even when other elements fail. Brolin and Malkovich also play their roles as if they really are in the old west, providing the necessary belief system to transport the audience there as well.

There is one exception to the actor's believability in "Jonah Hex," and that is Megan Fox's "Lilah," who seems terribly out of place here. There are a couple of reasons for this, one being that her makeup is so perfect, she seems airbrushed. I realize that as the town's working "lady of the evening" she should look more made up than the other women in town, but we are talking flawless skin, eyelashes, and lips here; not likely for the period she is playing. She literally looks like she stepped right out of the classroom in "Transformers," put on some period frilly things from wardrobe, and magically appeared in the old west. For a moment, I actually wondered if she refused to appear on camera in less than perfect makeup. If so, shame on her for being difficult and demanding on the set. It could cost her a role in a sequel someday.

The other reason Fox doesn't really work here, is her age. She seems to be the only actor in the movie who plays the role like she's still in high school in the year 2010, and with the all-too-familiar fighting skills of a Hollywood teenaged crime fighter. Although Lilah is intended to be the softness in an otherwise rough cut cast of characters, she should have been a little older and not quite as soft, to fit in better with the other characters. This would have made her fighting seem more realistic and not just an added "Hollywood" gimmick. I'm thinking of the Karen Allen type from the Indiana Jones films.

"Jonah Hex" isn't a perfect movie, but neither is it mundane or boring. There are plenty of action scenes and explosions for anyone, and just enough of the supernatural to offer something different in western film fare. Its biggest mistake may have been opening against "Toy Story 3" and in the second week of "The Karate Kid." I suspect as more people see the former films and look for something else to watch, "Jonah Hex" will pick up more box office receipts to be at least in the top five next weekend, possibly #3 as "A Team" gets old with the summer audience.

Buy at least a matinee ticket or you'll miss the wonderful visuals, even later on your home big screen.

Excerpt From "Star Drifter" Chapter 4

[Excerpt] Star Drifter, Chapter 4, "Pursuit" ©1991 Steve Anthony

An excerpt from "Star Drifter." This is in Chapter 4 where Jason Garrett's ship has come out of a sudden jump to light drive in an unexpected place. Since I work full time as a technical writer, and always have several creative writing projects in the works but limited time to actually pursue them, “Star Drifter” has been a years-long project of mine. This particular portion was written in the early 90s and I was a little put out at myself for not having finished it as I sat in a movie theater and watched the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D crash in “Star Trek: Generations” nearly re-creating the crash of the spaceship Transient from my story visually before me. What could I do, challenge the makers of "Star Trek" for using a scene from a book written by an unknown author that wasn't finished and no one had ever read? Not likely. It's not like they could even know about it. They say if you have idea someone else has it as well. That was the case with the two books, "The Glass Inferno" and "The Tower" that became "The Towering Inferno" but at least the authors of those had finished their stories.

I’m not even sure if this is ready for anyone to see, and it probably needs work, but here it is. I guess the biggst question here is, "Does it make you want to read more?"

She smiled back at him and wished he would take her into his arms. Finally he did, and her heart started pounding as he reached out to pull her close, starting to kiss her. As her senses blurred into the moment, a loud, alternately rising and falling tone pierced the silence, and the ship lurched, nearly throwing them to the floor.

"What's that!?" She was startled at the noise.

"It's an alarm. We're entering the atmosphere of a planet." He tried to remain calm.

The ship lurched again. He carefully made his way forward and crouched below the main viewport that stretched along the front of the control room. Reaching out, he pressed a button and the alarm went silent. Then he unlatched a small panel and reached inside.

"Get to a control lounge. There are belts inside the armrest. Slide them out and strap yourself in."

He struggled unsuccessfully with a lever inside the panel, then turned around and sat down with his back to it. Reaching up behind his head with both hands, he grasped it again. Pain from his injuries registered in his face and he groaned as he stretched, pulled down with all his strength, and finally managed to pull the lever free. He stood up and stepped back, intently watching the viewport. The metal plates covering it silently divided in the middle and began to slide to each side, gradually revealing a planet bathed in beautiful brilliant blue. It nearly filled the entire viewport.

"Behold the handiwork of God," he said in the midst of his awe. "I've seen a lot of planets, and man has made his share of artificial moons and colonies, but there's only one that looks like this."

"Earth!" exclaimed Letha. "It's beautiful! I've heard stories, but I never imagined it was like this!"

"You mean you've never been to Earth?" His eyes never left the viewport.

"Never. I was born and raised on Stevenson's Colony. I've never even been in space before."

He finally turned and made his way to the other lounge, stretching the belts across his chest as tightly as possible and buckling them. Then he shook his head from side-to-side and chuckled.

"For a first timer, you certainly know how to put in an exciting day.” He looked at the viewport again. "Take a good look at it, because it may be the first and last time you see it."

The ship began to lurch and shake more violently, seemingly ready to burst apart at any moment, as it rapidly accelerated toward the blue mass in front of it.

"We're going down fast and hard. I may have restored enough power to keep us from burning up from friction, or totally disintegrating on impact, but it's not going to be pretty in any case."

"Jason, will you have any control over where we land?" There was urgency in her voice.

"Not enough to get you within a hundred kilometers of wherever it is you think you want to go. Auto guidance is out. The best I can hope to do is keep us upright and as steady as possible. The hydraulics will do most of that with a little prodding from me. If you want to go somewhere specific, I suggest you call another shuttle."

As his fingers nimbly pressed buttons with each new jolt of the ship, an orange glow began to surround the borders of the viewport and rapidly fill it, becoming so bright that they had to shield their eyes. One of the control panels he had repaired suddenly shorted out, startling them and sending a shower of sparks in their direction before erupting into flames. Above it a cloud of vapor hissed down and when it stopped, the flames were gone. Then, as rapidly as the glow had appeared outside the viewport, it died away, leaving them with the view of an ocean's surface sliding far beneath them at a dizzying speed. A land mass appeared before them on the horizon and grew larger with each passing second.

"Jason, have you heard of a place called ‘The Ring’?"

"I'm surprised you have."

"Can you get us there?"

"So this is where you wanted to come all along." He turned his head and looked at her intently. "Why Earth? Why the Ring?"

"I'll explain later. Just do what you can to get us there, okay?"

As he gazed into her striking blue eyes she had him with one word; one pitifully spoken plea, "Please."

"All right, but I can't promise anything. I hope you understand."

"Yes."

"I'm familiar enough with the land masses to recognize them, but we're already in our last orbit and frankly, I was going to use it to slow us down a little. If you really want to do this, it'll lower our chance of survival considerably."

"I know."

He hesitated, trying to be sure that she really did understand, "All right then. Let's do it."

Looking intently at the viewport, he poised his fingers just above a lever and at what seemed like the right moment, slid it down, and pushed a button. The view port shields slowly closed together again and they stared at them until they could no longer see the rapidly approaching ground beneath them.

He punched one final button and yelled, "Hold on!"

A loud humming emanated from the Transient’s power pods as it struck the ground with its belly and bounced back up into the air. From what seemed like another reality, he thought he heard a scream. Letha? The ship came down again and slid several hundred feet where it struck a large tree and glanced off it to the left, sending a shower of wood splinters, gravel, and debris into the air. Another tree sent it back to the right, where it smashed rocks apart and ripped through several large bushes, tearing them out of the ground by their roots. It continued sliding, dragging rocks, brush, dirt, and the bodies of a few unfortunate birds and small animals with it, finally coming to rest only a few feet from the edge of a cliff, as a huge pile of debris and dust hurtled past it, and crashed into the bottom of the canyon below with a thunderous roar.

Less than fifty kilometers away, the Guardians awoke from their synthetic sleep, and prepared to make their way to the site to investigate the intrusion.